benniesposito.com Forum Index benniesposito.com
In memory of Benni Esposito
 
  FAQFAQ     SearchSearch       RegisterRegister     ProfileProfile     Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages     Log inLog in  

Benni - Favourite gags
Goto page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4  Next
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    benniesposito.com Forum Index -> Comedy Chat
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
martin esposito
Site Admin


Joined: 10 Feb 2005
Posts: 28
Location: London

PostPosted: Wed Apr 13, 2005 12:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

womens magazines....i thought i was the only one obsessed with sex relationships until i started reading these magazines and thought, "yes, its not just me". i used to read these articles in the vain hope that it would improve our sex life and relationship. i remember one inparticular 'getting the most out of sex'.

it was a total revelation i can tell you. The G-Spot? i thought that was a night club in Arbroath. apparently in males, the G-spot is located up your anus, allowing men to get the most pleasure from anal sex. well, i don't know about any of you guys but i've never had an orgasm whilst taking a sh*t!

some scientists do not believe that the G-spot exists. is this science fiction? Hey, 'the G-files'.....'scully i think i have the evidence you need. let me stick my finger up your anus'................
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Wee Sandy



Joined: 13 Feb 2005
Posts: 14
Location: Glasgow

PostPosted: Wed Apr 13, 2005 1:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

"She said 'I like your g-string.' Actually it was just my boxer shorts that had ridden up my crack, you know the way they do after a couple of days."
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website
martin esposito
Site Admin


Joined: 10 Feb 2005
Posts: 28
Location: London

PostPosted: Wed Apr 13, 2005 11:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

am trying to carry on the 'G-spot/string theme'...............

Haemorroids are no laughing matter. infact, if a mans G-spot is located halfway up his rectal passage i think mine is dangling between my knees at the moment.......


Last edited by martin esposito on Wed Apr 13, 2005 11:24 pm; edited 3 times in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
martin esposito
Site Admin


Joined: 10 Feb 2005
Posts: 28
Location: London

PostPosted: Wed Apr 13, 2005 11:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

...i did try that anusol stuff, but it tasted *uckin' horrible!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
GrahamP



Joined: 13 Feb 2005
Posts: 73
Location: London

PostPosted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 7:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You're on quite a g-spot roll Martin!

'Feeding of the 5000, what a load of **** - 5000 people in the desert - sounds like an illegal rave to me. Can just imagine the e-heads going up to Jesus saying 'can you turn this wine back into water, I'm tripping out my head'.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
GrahamP



Joined: 13 Feb 2005
Posts: 73
Location: London

PostPosted: Fri Apr 15, 2005 9:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Can you imagine Jesus turning the water into wine these days? It'd be full of e-heads saying 'oy, Jesus, that's fine but can you turn this aspirin into an e!'.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
GrahamP



Joined: 13 Feb 2005
Posts: 73
Location: London

PostPosted: Sat Apr 16, 2005 5:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

One of the hardest parts of watching porn is knowing where to cum - they're getting down to it, you're banging away and it's like 'right, time to go' when - oh no - a young Swedish blonde walks in and says 'room for one more on ze top' - it's like - nooooo, nip it, nip it!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
miquette



Joined: 22 Mar 2005
Posts: 11
Location: Dundee

PostPosted: Sun Apr 17, 2005 10:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i never seen the last gig he did but he told me had come up with a gag about coke the only problem was it was only a one liner! !!

did he use that in the last gig he did ?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
GrahamP



Joined: 13 Feb 2005
Posts: 73
Location: London

PostPosted: Sun Apr 17, 2005 10:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice one miquette - 100!

He did have a gag about having a coke problem - he could never get the can up his nose!

Here's another one -

I drink a lot of diet coke which means I've got a low sperm count, last time I went to the doctor I said 'how many sperm have I got', he counted them on one hand!


Last edited by GrahamP on Mon Apr 18, 2005 6:35 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
martin esposito
Site Admin


Joined: 10 Feb 2005
Posts: 28
Location: London

PostPosted: Mon Apr 18, 2005 9:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

i'm not really into drugs, but i do have pretty bad coke habit.... at least 5 cans a day...of diet coke.

diet coke is full of nutrasweet, which can apparently make you lower your sperm count and become infertile. this does have some advantages though. you can imagine, youv'e been out, met this gorgeous avian, just at that critical moment she asks, "have you got a condom?"..and its like..."oh, its ok, i had a can of diet coke earlier on".

my sperm count is so low, in fact i now produce diet sperm. good news for you girls out there. imagine...a low-calorie blow job!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
GrahamP



Joined: 13 Feb 2005
Posts: 73
Location: London

PostPosted: Mon Apr 18, 2005 6:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've actually got a huge **** but it makes no difference - the girls in Dundee have got fannys like toilet seats!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
GrahamP



Joined: 13 Feb 2005
Posts: 73
Location: London

PostPosted: Tue Apr 19, 2005 12:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Circa 1998 / 99 - when mobile's were in their infancy

'What's the point of mobile phones? The only people who seem to get any use out of them is these stupid students who go hiking up mountains in their shorts and t-shirts. How do they get reception? I'm walking along the Perth Road, can't get a signal for love or money - 'where am I -walking up the road to meet you, just passed a phone box, they're paying 10p a minute, I'm paying 40p, now standing outside your door, can see you but still can't hear you as you keep cutting out'.

Meanwhile this wanker student's saying 'yes i'll have 2 helicopters please and can you tell mummy i'll be late back tonight'.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
GrahamP



Joined: 13 Feb 2005
Posts: 73
Location: London

PostPosted: Tue Apr 19, 2005 5:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sure he had a gag about Ann Widdecombe.

Wish I could remember that one........
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
GrahamP



Joined: 13 Feb 2005
Posts: 73
Location: London

PostPosted: Thu Apr 21, 2005 9:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I met a girl who was into all that dream interpretation sh*t. If it were up to me dream interpretation books would have just 2 pages - page one would say 'utter', page 2 would say 'bollocks'!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
martin esposito
Site Admin


Joined: 10 Feb 2005
Posts: 28
Location: London

PostPosted: Thu Apr 21, 2005 10:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

......the other week, i got a hard-on really unexpectedly, i was having sex with my girlfriend at the time.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    benniesposito.com Forum Index -> Comedy Chat All times are GMT
Goto page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4  Next
Page 3 of 4

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group