benniesposito.com

martin esposito · Site Admin Joined: 10 Feb 2005 Posts: 28 Location: London

womens magazines....i thought i was the only one obsessed with sex relationships until i started reading these magazines and thought, "yes, its not just me". i used to read these articles in the vain hope that it would improve our sex life and relationship. i remember one inparticular 'getting the most out of sex'.

it was a total revelation i can tell you. The G-Spot? i thought that was a night club in Arbroath. apparently in males, the G-spot is located up your anus, allowing men to get the most pleasure from anal sex. well, i don't know about any of you guys but i've never had an orgasm whilst taking a sh*t!

some scientists do not believe that the G-spot exists. is this science fiction? Hey, 'the G-files'.....'scully i think i have the evidence you need. let me stick my finger up your anus'................

Wee Sandy · Joined: 13 Feb 2005 Posts: 14 Location: Glasgow

"She said 'I like your g-string.' Actually it was just my boxer shorts that had ridden up my crack, you know the way they do after a couple of days."

martin esposito · Site Admin Joined: 10 Feb 2005 Posts: 28 Location: London

am trying to carry on the 'G-spot/string theme'...............

Haemorroids are no laughing matter. infact, if a mans G-spot is located halfway up his rectal passage i think mine is dangling between my knees at the moment.......

martin esposito · Site Admin Joined: 10 Feb 2005 Posts: 28 Location: London

...i did try that anusol stuff, but it tasted *uckin' horrible!

GrahamP · Joined: 13 Feb 2005 Posts: 73 Location: London

You're on quite a g-spot roll Martin!

'Feeding of the 5000, what a load of **** - 5000 people in the desert - sounds like an illegal rave to me. Can just imagine the e-heads going up to Jesus saying 'can you turn this wine back into water, I'm tripping out my head'.

GrahamP · Joined: 13 Feb 2005 Posts: 73 Location: London

Can you imagine Jesus turning the water into wine these days? It'd be full of e-heads saying 'oy, Jesus, that's fine but can you turn this aspirin into an e!'.

GrahamP · Joined: 13 Feb 2005 Posts: 73 Location: London

One of the hardest parts of watching porn is knowing where to cum - they're getting down to it, you're banging away and it's like 'right, time to go' when - oh no - a young Swedish blonde walks in and says 'room for one more on ze top' - it's like - nooooo, nip it, nip it!

miquette · Joined: 22 Mar 2005 Posts: 11 Location: Dundee

i never seen the last gig he did but he told me had come up with a gag about coke the only problem was it was only a one liner! !!

did he use that in the last gig he did ?

GrahamP · Joined: 13 Feb 2005 Posts: 73 Location: London

Nice one miquette - 100!

He did have a gag about having a coke problem - he could never get the can up his nose!

Here's another one -

I drink a lot of diet coke which means I've got a low sperm count, last time I went to the doctor I said 'how many sperm have I got', he counted them on one hand!

martin esposito · Site Admin Joined: 10 Feb 2005 Posts: 28 Location: London

i'm not really into drugs, but i do have pretty bad coke habit.... at least 5 cans a day...of diet coke.

diet coke is full of nutrasweet, which can apparently make you lower your sperm count and become infertile. this does have some advantages though. you can imagine, youv'e been out, met this gorgeous avian, just at that critical moment she asks, "have you got a condom?"..and its like..."oh, its ok, i had a can of diet coke earlier on".

my sperm count is so low, in fact i now produce diet sperm. good news for you girls out there. imagine...a low-calorie blow job!

GrahamP · Joined: 13 Feb 2005 Posts: 73 Location: London

I've actually got a huge **** but it makes no difference - the girls in Dundee have got fannys like toilet seats!

GrahamP · Joined: 13 Feb 2005 Posts: 73 Location: London

Circa 1998 / 99 - when mobile's were in their infancy

'What's the point of mobile phones? The only people who seem to get any use out of them is these stupid students who go hiking up mountains in their shorts and t-shirts. How do they get reception? I'm walking along the Perth Road, can't get a signal for love or money - 'where am I -walking up the road to meet you, just passed a phone box, they're paying 10p a minute, I'm paying 40p, now standing outside your door, can see you but still can't hear you as you keep cutting out'.

Meanwhile this wanker student's saying 'yes i'll have 2 helicopters please and can you tell mummy i'll be late back tonight'.

GrahamP · Joined: 13 Feb 2005 Posts: 73 Location: London

Sure he had a gag about Ann Widdecombe.

Wish I could remember that one........

GrahamP · Joined: 13 Feb 2005 Posts: 73 Location: London

I met a girl who was into all that dream interpretation sh*t. If it were up to me dream interpretation books would have just 2 pages - page one would say 'utter', page 2 would say 'bollocks'!

martin esposito · Site Admin Joined: 10 Feb 2005 Posts: 28 Location: London

......the other week, i got a hard-on really unexpectedly, i was having sex with my girlfriend at the time.