benniesposito.com

[GrahamP]

They've made a pill which apparently stops men from having homosexual feelings.

Only problem is it's shaped like a nob and is a sepository.

[GrahamP]

His student stuff, written for the freshers' weeks, was excellent.

'I pulled a girl, went back to her room at Belmont and got down to it. The following morning she'd buggered off and I felt my stomach go giddy. Manage to stand up but next I know the door's opened and a couple of students got on - I was only in the ******* lift! Should've known though, rooms at Belmont would never have been that big!'

[GrahamP]

You may notice that Dundee University has a Christian Society. Or as it should be known 'Dating Agency for Geeks'.

[GrahamP]

She said to me 'do you want to have phone sex?' - I said 'no way, last time I had one of those up my ass it hurt for days'.

[GrahamP]

'I was in London the other week, they've got signs up all over the place saying 'Pickpockets are operating in this area' - and they wonder why the health service is in such a bad state!'

[GrahamP]

With Benni it was as much about delivery as the material - he took a great delight in leaving the audience dangling, wondering if he was going to finish the sentence, then finishing it in an unexpected fashion.

Best example is his joke - 'I prematurely ejaculated, which was really embarrassing - particularly for the bloke standing in front of me in the cinema que'.

Then he'd pause for a moment while people laughed and say -

'Right up his back .... '

Slight pause then a delightfully Sid James-esque exclamation -

'Spunk'

[GrahamP]

I think one of Benni's favourites was a joke he wrote for 'Blind Date' at his school when he was 15 and one he used to puzzle people when they asked the predictable question of 'what's your best joke'.

'A lot of people say I'm like Bob Monkhouse - because I like to MONKEY around the HOUSE'.

At this he would do some simian gestures.

He said it with such a straight face people just didn't know what to think!

[martin esposito]

rare benni pun!.............

2 monkeys in a cage, inside a laboratory. the cage door gets left open accidently and the first monkey says, "come on lets get out of here". the second monkey replies, "sorry, i never leave without my make-up on"

[GrahamP]

I loved the way he incorporated his personal quirks, noises and gestures into his act. When he was telling this joke, he'd go

'My dad dropped dead at a bar ...'

then he'd do one of his Edward Munch meets Will Hay gasps, pause for a second and ...

'I was devastated'

put his head down, shake it a couple of times going 'mmmm' before looking up with wide-eyed indignance ...

'it was his round'

[martin esposito]

Police are being given new powers to seize drug-dealers assets and plough them back into the community – the first meals on wheels XR3I’s go into service this week.

[Wee Sandy]

"I hate how tramps hastle you in the street. One stopped me the other day and said 'Have you got the time, mate?' I said 'Why, are you late for a ******* job interview or something?'"

[simpfeld]

Anyone remember any more? I'm missing my doses of Benni humour.

[martin esposito]

i went out last night and i didn't want to feel **** today so i decided not to drink - what a mistake that was! my last memory of night clubs was the second red stripe after James 'oh sit down'. sober up six years later and its boom, boom, boom, boom. i woke up this morning with a sore head thinking "i'm never gonna not drink again"

[Colin Ramone]

Just looking back on this thread, it's absolutely hilarious.

Thank goodness we've got somewhere to remember these brilliant gags.