benniesposito.com

GrahamP · Joined: 13 Feb 2005 Posts: 73 Location: London

Benni never did Scunner on stage, he did make it his own offstage though. He was perhaps at his most brilliant just having a laugh after a few beers.

Simpfeld do you remember something else he did, we were just talking, I think I asked you for a biscuit, Benni latched onto it and started singing a song about 'Biscuit Boy'. It was hilarious, something like 'I am biscuit boy, see my biscuity limbs, look at my biscuity face'.

After that when I'd ask who'd been on a bill Benni would say something like 'Biscuit Boy was on first, he started well but soon crumbled' or 'I bumped into Biscuit Boy there, he was Hob Nobbing backstage'. He could create absolutely hilarious situations from nothing.

Wee Sandy · Joined: 13 Feb 2005 Posts: 14 Location: Glasgow

Scunner was the invention of Aberdonian Torry Quine Joyce Falconer who now plays the evr popular Rosin in River City. (We supported her in Aberdeen once as reported earlier.) I'm sure Joyce would be happy to know she was so influential.

simpfeld · Joined: 15 Feb 2005 Posts: 8 Location: Edinburgh

GrahamP · Joined: 13 Feb 2005 Posts: 73 Location: London

Couple more Benni gags -

I was reading about a really bad earthquake in India, apparently there were bad aftershocks for days afterwards. Surely low-quality booze is the least of their worries!

All that time, cooped up in spaceships - if I were an astronaut it'd be 'never mind a space-walk, I'm having a space-****!'

GrahamP · Joined: 13 Feb 2005 Posts: 73 Location: London

I've thought of a couple more, bear in mind these are not accurate statements but comedic distortions -

'I'm not saying I've got a small ****, but I'm the only guy I know who doesn't need to unroll a condom before putting it on - plop - ready!'

'The policeman stopped me, asked if I'd been drink driving. He said I want you to do this (gestures putting finger on bridge of nose). So I did it - poked him in the eye'.

'I'd like to leave you with a thought (puts on a reflective face for a moment, then leaves the stage)'

simpfeld · Joined: 15 Feb 2005 Posts: 8 Location: Edinburgh

This one came back to me the other day, When Michael Portillo came out:

"I knew he was gay. He came to visit Dundee University, and I could just tell. There was just something about the way he was sucking my ****"

PS Can we/Are we allowed to remove the profanity filter from this forum? It makes the punchlines hard to read.

sandy · Joined: 12 Feb 2005 Posts: 2 Location: carnoustie

not really a joke but I was with benni at his last gig in inverness. It was in a small room and everyone sat in rows of sofas. Benni was having trouble with the microphone,I think it was a loose connection, and it kept cutting out. After about 3 tries he said he would work without it and threw it on to the floor. As he walked past it he accidentally kicked it and it began working so he did the next few minutes lying on his stomach on the stage with his mouth at the mike. Everyone was in stitches. He also did a joke that he just thought of as he walked on stage then couldn't do the next couple for laughing at it himself. We had taken a camcorder with us but both forgot to tape the show. I really regret that.

martin esposito · Site Admin Joined: 10 Feb 2005 Posts: 28 Location: London

"i asked my last girlfriend if she thought that size mattered. while we were having sex i said, 'does it feel small?', she replied 'does what feel small?...Oh, you've started, ehm no not at all'

GrahamP · Joined: 13 Feb 2005 Posts: 73 Location: London

Hi Martin - top night out last night by the way!

Here's another corker -

'I read in a magazine that this girl was sure her boyfriend was faking his orgams. How's a man supposed to do that? Smuggle a sachet of mayonnaise in the bed, squeeze it at the right moment? 'Oh yes yes darling, this is wonderful - squeeze - oh ****, that's ketchup!'

miquette · Joined: 22 Mar 2005 Posts: 11 Location: Dundee

hi i was just reading e-mails benni had sent this one was from Dec 21st 2004 it has typical Benni humour in it;

The comedy at Rep was hilarious. It was all improv
stuff like on 'Who's line is it anyway'. They were
really funny, and they had a keyboard player who was
doing all the backing music. Not that many people
there, but we laughed and laughed and laughed and
laughed.
Beforehand I met Iain and Delia at the DCA for that
exhibition opening. It was great, there was only about
ten people there, so we just quaffed all the free
grape-juice-plus before heading to the Rep.
Earlier in the week me and Iain had been up to The
Space, which is the Contemporary Dance School of
Dundee College. We were hanging an exhibition of
drawings our students had made of the dance students
who study there. Anyway, they were doing their Xmas
show there on Saturday night, so we got free tickets
to see it.
It was fannytastic! Dozens of girls all leaping
around, panting and sweating! I should have been a
dancer coz all the guys were definately nob-jockeys -
I could've cleaned up! Ba ha ha!

Anyway, I'll see you over the new year
sometime...although you won't see my face for a whole
hour!!! Ba ha ha!!!!

bbx

GrahamP · Joined: 13 Feb 2005 Posts: 73 Location: London

He certainly loved the word 'fannytastic'.

And all of his texts to me began either 'hey jackal' or 'whassssuuuuuup' - the latter in a postmodern, ironic context of course.

'A mate of mine was talking about my ex, he said "I saw her the other day, walking past McDonalds" - I said "it couldn't be her - she could never walk past McDonalds"'

martin esposito · Site Admin Joined: 10 Feb 2005 Posts: 28 Location: London

i was in this pub. there was a nice girl sitting at the bar. i got chatting to her, i said "so , what do you do?". She said, "well i'm inbetween jobs". I said "oh. you're unemployed". she said "No, i'm a prostitute so will you bugger off!!"

GrahamP · Joined: 13 Feb 2005 Posts: 73 Location: London

I was on one of these flights from Dundee, the plane went through some wind turbulence - knew it was getting really bad when cracks started appearing ..... in the stewardess's make-up!

simpfeld · Joined: 15 Feb 2005 Posts: 8 Location: Edinburgh

Keep them coming Graham, it's great to have a Benni gag every few days. They are so good.

I was just thinking the other day about your Dundee gag which was presumably in some way inspired by Benni's art where the punchline is "that's not a picture that's my window". I can't remember the exact details. Does it not even say I've got this friend who is an art student? Was there a Benni story behind this joke? I always liked it.

GrahamP · Joined: 13 Feb 2005 Posts: 73 Location: London

Glad you like them Simpfeld, Rae actually put a cracker in the 'Stories section'.

Will get onto Benni-inspired gags when all of his own beauties are down here - here's another classic from the archives -

'London's an aggressive place, was in a convenience store, said to the owner 'do you have any tomatoes or onions' he said 'outside' - I said 'steady on mate, I only asked!'